Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”