If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
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Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.