My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*