*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
File under excellent bookstore names.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow