I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
how was your vacation
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case