What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
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I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
The Weeknd is back
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.