*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
You Might Also Like
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.