I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back