{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do