According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
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The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The point of your 20s
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.