Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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