You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
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When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.