I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
When life hands you women, make women laid.