Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
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If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.