Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Morning my dudes.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”