[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Two types of dogs.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US