Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
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just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Me too 😆
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.