If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
You Might Also Like
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack