I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*