the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
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me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
dogs can find happiness so easily
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.