My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The Sun
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*