When the stylist spins you back around
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple