If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
getting corrected
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.