Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
accurate
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up