Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
<- sleeps well with others
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Beware of the dog..
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
rapatouille
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.