@funTweeters thanks so much!! π
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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180Β°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
βWhoeverβs in charge of this music sucksβ
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
βWhoeverβs in charge of this music sucks, sir.β
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
Theyβre his watch dogs.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, Iβd probably choose whiskey.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank goβ”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.β
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”