5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.