ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt