A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.