I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You Might Also Like
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
North and South
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.