Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
You Might Also Like
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Made something I’m not proud of
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.