WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
You Might Also Like
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
A wise man once said nothing.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.