I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.