i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.