You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…