Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My dad teaching me to drive
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.