waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!