I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
79.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no