“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old