i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
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Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you