Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
#StillHurts
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.