told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
United Steaks of America
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.