“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick