Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes