Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
This is why I hate group projects
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?