One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute