For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Happy thanksgiving!
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
#gardening
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.