Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.