They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sponch
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’m aging like a fine banana
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.