me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
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What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.